I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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