Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
