I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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