i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
