Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
