Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
