Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You pole danced in your parka.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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