and she was petting her beer can
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
