He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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