"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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