She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
