My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
