we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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