Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
