We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
