My sheets look like a crime scene.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
