Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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