So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
