you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
That's when you crack a 10am beer
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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