i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
