Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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