if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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