Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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