i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
