I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
