I hate all girls vehemently.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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