He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
