Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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