The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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