the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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