I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
