life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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