That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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