I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
