I cockslap morals
My cat gives me a boner
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Randomize
