Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
