Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
