Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
