You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Barsexuality is the new black.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
