i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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