oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
