Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
