i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
