I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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