He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We are all done wearing pants today
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
