tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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