I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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