chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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