He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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