hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
