Me too!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
