I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
