Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
