He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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