just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
