you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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