My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
