There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
