i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
