im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
