We're like a lot better than the average bears
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize