my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
