she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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