I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
